The Southern Catholic Tackles College Football Conference Realignment

@TheSouthCath

Before I get started let me just say this may either be the quickest and to the point blog I ever write or it may ramble on like a book about "alternative lifestyle" vampires...

As is with many other southerners, college football is a way of life.  Ask any southern male, or female depending on the state, what they're thinking about in March and they'll tell you: "The home opener in September."  It's no different in my circle of friends which is about 75% alumni and 25% people who are related to, friends with or are soon to be alumni of The University of Alabama.  As most of us know, and even though some of us are ashamed to admit it *looks toward Knoxville* the epicenter of the Southeastern Conference is The University of Alabama.  But, if you ask alumni/fan of another SEC school, they'll say we're just being arrogant, and they'd be right.

As a matter of fact, here is the exact order in which SEC teams are recognized from people outside of the South, aka, people whose teams we wax on and wax off in bowl games.

1. The University of Alabama

2. Florida

3. LSU

4. Georgia

5. Alabama Polytechnic Institute

6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 & 12. No one recognizes these bottoms feeding cellar dwellers enough to mention them by name.  But, I digress.

The subject of conference realignment has been discussed a lot lately by ESPN talking heads, Paul Finebaum and even Rick and Bubba got in on it back when it was at its peak last summer.

Here I'll go through college football conference realignment with a fine tooth comb.  But first, I've got establish some ground rules.

1.  We're only dealing with the SEC, Big 12, Big 10, Big East & Pac-12.... none of the other conferences matter, except for being some one's homecoming game and when beating Michigan in the Big House.  Although there may be a NAQ team I move to an AQ Conference.

2.  I will be discussing each conference as if it is in a different universe.  For Example:  I may move a team to the Big 10, but later say it fits in the SEC.  These scenarios are all handled separately as to not create some kind of weird 'Back to the Future' timeline.

3. Independents will not be mentioned.  That's what they get for being weird.  (The Southern Catholic's views and opinions on Notre Dame, coming to a blog near you)

NOW: Lets get started:

1.  BIG 12 (aka Texas' Conference)

I know the Big 12 is now technically a 10 team conference.  But lets be honest, even though Iowa State & Baylor are still there, did they ever really count in the first place?

So, Colorado and The Nebraska 'Huskers both parted ways never to be seen or heard from again.  Although I took Nebraska going to the Big 10 harder than I expected because all my life I'd grouped your "Texases", "Oklahomas" and your "Nebraskas" together in my mind.  So seeing Big Red roll off to play The Ohio State Buckeyes and Mr. Magoo's Brittany Lions every year kinda stung.

Back to work:  So the Big 12 is down to 10 teams.  And, I think we're all in agreement here that a conference must have at least 12, 14 or 16 teams in order to have a conference championship and to make this post more interesting.  But, a conference championship must be played and should be every conference's main objective.

Here's what I would do for the Big 12 to make them complete again and probably more entertaining to watch than before the "Buffs" left to go play hacky sack with UCLA.

A.  BOISE STATE: Newly minted Mountain West rejects who will spend the next 10 years winning enough games to keep a defibrillator near Lou Holts at all times.  But with the schedule and recruiting that would be available to them in the Big 12, they'd turn into a beast in just a year or two.

Picture Boise State and Oklahoma in Arrowhead Stadium, duking it out for the Big 12 Championship.  Or The Broncos upsetting Texas Tech in Lubbock.  That'd make ol' Tubby tuck them ears in wouldn't it?

Now you're thinking aren't you?  Boise State in the Big 12 would make a hell of a good Saturday afternoon matchup.. Notice I didn't say Saturday evening, lets not get ahead of ourselves. I mean, they're still Boise State.

Next in line:
B.  SOUTHERN METHODIST:  A lot of people will question this move, say it's a reach and that I'm just bringing back the old Southwest Conference boys to fight in the playground again.  Well I say you're wrong.  I think SMU is fully rehabilitated since their bout with the NCAA's "death penalty" in 1987.

They have all the makings of a powerhouse again, except for fans, apparently no one goes to their games.  This would change when the Longhorns came to town.  A couple bouts with Oklahoma and Mizzou in Dallas and fans would be wearing Mustang gear just like the old days.

Now, as of right now, I couldn't tell you what kind of team they are except for a bad one.  But, after a few years of Big 12 & in state Texas recruiting, I'd bet they could pull something off.  One hundred dollars says they go to a BCS game within 5 years of joining up!

That wraps up the Big 12, two horse themed teams that need a little boost..

2. BIG 10 ( The SEC's lady boy )

I hadn't originally planned on doing any movement within the BIG 10, but a conference that's home to Iowa, Minnesota and Northwestern could always use some work.  So lets see what we can do.

Since they've already got 12 teams and since we don't want Herbstreit's head to explode, I'm only going to add 2 teams to the Big 10.  They'll be ripped right out of the Big East's grimy little irrelevant fingers.

A.  CINCINNATI:  Here's a team that wants to be great so bad they could spit.  They've got the talent, used to have the coach and they're from an AQ conference.  They even played as Tim Tebow's practice squad a couple of years ago.  The only problem is that they suck.  And they'll continue to do so as long as they're Big Easterners.

A move to the Big 10 would do nothing but help the Bearcats.  Like all the moves, recruiting would get a "shot in the arm".  Popularity would skyrocket and having actual relevant teams come to your house doesn't hurt much either.  Imagine being used to Rutgers fans and their leather jackets and greasy hair all the time and now you're dealing with snooty Buckeye and Michigan fans.  Fans who've actually kinda been there, but got beat by the SEC of course.  Yeah, it'd be a boost and a welcome one at that.

And just think a few years down the road, people may be able to spell your city's name without having to google it.

B.  WEST VIRGINIA:  This one really doesn't take much explanation.  This is a program that's always one good recruiting class from giving some team a run for their money in the National Championship hunt.  Even though Rich Rod screwed them over, they've got potential.  And you can't beat their colors and mascot.  That guy's got a gun!  And not like the Miami mascot either, he's actually legally has a gun!

I'm sure Michigan wouldn't like their maize being flaunted by some mountaineers.  But I think After they paddled em' real good in The Big House, they'd quieten down.

This wraps up the Big 10.   Sorry for the fluff!  It was kinda hard to get worked up about them.

3. BIG EAST

A.  NO CHANGE, just take away their AQ status and we're good.

4. PAC 12

A.  DRUG TESTS, this would eliminate having to watch baked fans and strung out players fight for the chance to get beat in the Rose Bowl or actually beat Tennessee and then chant "PAC 10!" the entire 4th quarter.  I got news for you bunch of barefoot hippies, Tennessee hasn't been good since Peyton Manning.  And he couldn't even win a Heisman!  OOOH! Too soon?!

That's it for PAC 12... They got Utah, which is about the only thing I could suggest, other than falling into the ocean and disappearing.

LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST (5 in a row)
5. The Southeastern Conference (SEC)

Now what I'm about to do to our beloved SEC will never happen.  I hope that it doesn't.  It's not that I wouldn't like to see more talent and competition move into the league, but I think we're just fine the way we are.

Going West to East, I'll add 4 teams.

WEST:

A.  SOUTHERN MISS:  Why Southern Miss?  Well because they spring up every so often and fool somebody.  They've basically been scabbing in the SEC for who knows how long.  Another reason is up until I was about 8 or 10 years old I thought they were actually in the SEC.

Southern Miss, whether we like to admit it or not, is part of SEC tradition.  Even as I type this, Tyrone Protho's arms are wrapped around a Southern Miss player's head making "The Catch" in a painting behind my monitor.  I don't know how many of you can remember back to that game in 2005, but The Tide struggled.  As does every other SEC team that schedules them thinking it'll be a cupcakes.  They may be a cupcake but you end up with icing up your nose and sprinkles all over the floor, not even worth the taste.

They'd have to get a bigger stadium though, that'd be a stipulation for sure.  If they played every SEC team away they might as well stay where they're at.

B.  TEXAS......... Surprised?  Well, you probably should be in all honesty.  Texas has never dealt with us very much.  As a matter of fact, with the exception of the 2009 BCS National Championship game where The Tide rolled em' like a hot tamale, Texas has a winning record even over Alabama, as well as the rest of the conference ( I didn't check the facts there, but I'm thinking they probably do).

Texas has the quality, the recruiting and tradition we want and have to have in any team that joins.  Their tradition alone should make them a solid SEC style team coming in.  They'd have to grow a defense and keep that cow off the field (I'm afraid that position has already been filled in the SEC) but I think they've got what it takes.  While this move would leave the Big 12 out to dry, who cares?  Texas A&M?

And isn't burnt orange a whole lot easier to look at than Tennessee orange?

Moving on the EAST:

A. VIRGINIA TECH:  This one's easy, they're made for us.  Frank Beamer's style of coaching, cheap tricks and special teams antics would make even a shyster like Gene Chizik wonder where in the heck he pulled that rabbit from.

You can't beat watching the "globetrotters" of special teams hide the pigskin in their shirt while they run back an onside kick.  And who can forget where they were the first time they found out what a hokie was?

They've got the speed, the talent and their colors and logo are pretty badass.  I hear they even have a pretty good D, which they'll need here.  As long as they keep Frank Beamer on the sidelines, they'll get a pass to come aboard in my book.

And heck, Alabama's pretty much added them to their regular schedule anyway, so what's the harm in having the other 11 teams follow suit.

Lastly, the Prodigal Son returns:
B.  GEORGIA TECH:  I'd like each and every one of you that consider yourselves SEC fans to think about this and not get kinda angry:  We're the SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE!  The Conference of the daggum SOUTH!  And the team from ATLANTA is in Another Crappy Conference over there running the tripple option with Boston College!

Ever since we lost them in 1964, there's been a hole that no razorback or gamecock could ever fill.  They're a team that needs to come home to momma.  No more of this messing around, playing Georgia once a year because you're in the same state and are old rivals.  I bet they don't even wanna play Georgia either, kinda like you don't wanna see that one cousin, but you've got to because it's Christmas.

Instead Georgia Tech needs to come back and shake up the east.  There'd be no free rides over there anymore.  They bring an offense that with the right players (which they'd get in a couple years in the SEC) would be deadly.  Mixed with a defense they'd have to score off a dealer in the "ATL" and you've got yourself a solid contender.

I challenge anybody to give me a good reason why Tech shouldn't come back.  They're in Atlanta, they run the triple option, they've got built in rivals and their mascot's a stinging insect.

And lets not forget, they've been gone from the SEC almost 50 years and still have more conference championships than Auburn....

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I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.  Is it football season yet?!

@TheSouthCath

ZOMBIECAN version 2.0 or a slightly revised "don't eat your SPAM Day 1 of The Apocalypse"

@TheSouthCath

PROLOGUE:

I know it's been a few months since I wrote this post, but since season 2 of The Walking Dead is winding down I figured I'd revisit this post for a minute.  I've updated it slightly as well, perhaps it's a little better than the original posting.

NOW BACK TO THE POST:

It's that time of year again! Time to check your bug out bags and make sure you've got enough ammunition, plastic spoons and copies The Bible to pass to future generations of the repopulated earth. That's right! It's Apocalypse season yet again! That glorious time when ketchup packets an wet naps become currency and abandoned pet stores become buffets.

However, I've noticed too many of my left behind brothers and sisters are too eager to embrace the full spectrum of what is this grand ol' apocalypse. The flash of the doomsday bomb hasn't left the night sky before you type-A momma's boys wanna start a colony and eat the family pets.

To this I say "just wait a dang minute!".  Haven't the emotional issues that accompany losing just about every person you've ever known slowed fatty's appetite at all? I mean there you are standing in the still smoldering rubble of your hometown, playing kick the skull with your neighbor's forehead & you're wondering what kind of wine goes with half melted parakeet.

To your defense it can all get overwhelming, being one of the last humans on earth and all. But what's wrong with living it up a little before chaos and mayhem set in? Remember that new camaro your douche bag neighbor went out and bought after he saw Transformers?? If it's not a pile of melted metal and rubber, it's yours now, take it for a spin, hell, mount a gun from one of the many abandoned National Gaurd vehicles to the roof! Are you an outdoorsman? Now's your chance for greatness! Grab that rifle, shotgun & fishing pole, because guess what: NO LIMIT and NO CLOSED SEASON!  And who wouldn't enjoy laying waste to dozens of zombie hoards?  Hell, one of them could be your boss, mother-in-law or even a democrat!

Ok, now you've had all the mind occupying fun you can with all the free stuff you've found. What now? You've gotta start thinking about food again right? Wrong! You've yet to do the apocalyptic standard and pile up articles of clothing arranged by type on the floor so you can begin your march to the coast, for some damn reason.  Already done this as well?? Let's check our weapons situation then. Those abandoned military trucks we mentioned earlier should be enough to find off the cannibalistic nomads that are lurking just outside the city. Fill the trunk of that camaro up with artillery and get ready to move east! Or west! Or wherever they say the unaffected land is.

Having fun yet? I bet you've even wrapped your new stolen army boots in duck tape because it looks cool.

Now would be when you get the food together, but again, don't get desperate day 3 of the apocalypse either. Ease in to it. The SPAM will be there longer after the day old donuts and deli meats at the abandoned Public.

@TheSouthCath

Is Marty Stuart the Nick Minaj of Country Music??

@TheSouthCath

Marty Stuart:  The Nicki Minaj of Country Music

As forgotten about as Pepsi Clear, Sega Dreamcast and Gary Condit.  As left behind as Kirk Cameron, Dale Jr. and the Auburn Tigers in most preseason poles.  Marty Stuart is destined to be the wingman of the leather fringe jacket, living his entire career in the shadow of a mullet that would make Billy Ray Cyrus and John Stamos leave the room in tears and suck starts a shotgun.

Here's a quarter, call someone who actually knows a Marty Stuart song that doesn't include Travis Tritt.  If you said, like many will: "Hey! 'Hillbilly Rock' is a Marty Stuart song," you'd be correct, but it doesn't count.  That'd be like saying Marc Cohn had a career because of "Walking in Memphis".  The phrase "one hit wonder" has been beaten up and down more than Marty Stuart's mullet-fro thing or "frollet", if you will.  To call this Gollum of country must the possession of a hit, would be a huge misspeak.

Marty Stuart has done little more than be the bench warmer to some of Travis Tritt's greatest hits.  He is little more than the Garrett Gilbert of the dough bro and the relief pitcher of the country club.  It seems that backing up Travis Tritt was his destiny.  Much like Nicki Minaj has done little more than finish the last verse of about every song that has came out over the past year or so.  I think I even heard Minaj finish a Jason Aldean song a few days ago.  And, I don't know if anybody can name a Nicki Minaj song either & if you can,  I would ask: "Why?"

I find it very ironic that one of his most well known lyrics is: "They knew my name..."  No, Marty, they don't.  Oddly enough this lyric was one of the only times Travis Tritt finished a sentence for Stuart.

Perhaps the most desperate moment in his career was "The Devil Comes Back To Georgia" song & video.  In this music video, Marty Stuart not only plays mop up for Travis Tritt, he always holds the pooper scooper for greats like Charlie Daniels & Johnny Cash.  Upon watching the video to refresh myself on how pathetic he is in this, you may hear his voice & see his face for a total of 15.2 seconds through the entire ordeal.   And even after all of this, because of the cosmetic surgery, wigs and implants, Nicki Minaj seems more desperate for our attention and love than Marty Stuart.  But, it's a little known fact that Marty Stuart beat his hair to Jesus every morning to be able to meet the minimum height requirements to get on "The Wabash Cannon Ball" roller coaster at Opryland.  I say this surpasses Nicki Minaj in desperation 10 fold!  Just get a funnel cake and move on Marty, it's a Bass Pro Shop now.

On a finishing note, if Marty Stuart is in fact the Nicki Minaj of country music, does this make Travis Tritt Nashville's own Trey Songz?  It makes you think.

"Mullets up! Mullets up!"  "It's Mr. Steal You Quarter!"

@TheSouthCath

The Southern Catholic!

@TheSouthCath

Welcome to the Southern Catholic's blog!

This is the satirical view of the world from a person who has never taken a damn thing seriously and probably never will.  It'll make you laugh, it'll make you mad and it'll make you think stuff about things you never thought possible.

I was born the single solitary offspring of a transient carpet bagger's son and a 4th generation Alabama sharecropper's daughter.  Raised up Catholic in a small southern town never got old!  Except for the burning crosses in my yard, but that happens, it's like telling a bird not to build a nest.

I'll never understand why people were so uncomfortable with an alter boy with a confederate flag t-shirt on under his robe or why I couldn't eat ribs on Fridays during lent... "But, you love ribs!" they'd say.. But they got over it....

Now, sit back and enjoy this blog of things that have been described in the past as "diarrhea of the mouth."

No topic is safe here.  We'll go from college football to Apple computers all the way back to hunting then to movies.

It'll mostly be PG-13, but if something needs to be said, I'm going to say it.  We all know that to be true, don't we?  Isn't that right "Auburn Fan" in the mall that didn't know the official all time Iron Bowl record?  I don't give a damn if you do have your kids with you, you'll get it right or you'll pay the price.

Posts will be broken down into 3 types:

Stories:  Mostly from growing up in the backwoods of North Alabama, going to a small high school in a small town and then going to school in Tuscaloosa at The University of Alabama.

Opinions:  I don't know why, but I've got very strong opinions on everything from oatmeal to the type of suit the President wears.  I'll be laying down the law on many of the subjects in between.

Random Thoughts & Concepts:  These are things I come up with for no reason.  And they're usually pretty interesting if not funny as well.

Rants:  Things that've got me pissed off, please excuse these.  They're the dying and paying taxes of this blog.

@TheSouthCath