#ZOMBIERULES
Ever since AMC's 'The Walking Dead' became a staple on our televisions, the "Zombie" genre has grown exponentially.
In my own life I've probably watched over a dozen or so different zombie related movies just within the passed month or so. However, while watching these movies I noticed that not every one of them stick to the same rules and boundaries.
If you've spent any time at all watching some of these movies (all of these are available on NetFlix), the titles include: 'Day of the Dead', 'Evil Dead', 'AHH Zombies' and '2012 Zombie Apocalypse' you've seen the different interpretations of what the dead can and will do to get a mouth full of the living. Throughout the length of these films you'll see zombies doing things like driving trucks, using bait and running like Forrest Gump.
It's these offenses to this great genre that inspired me to create the following Top 10 list. And, it's my intent that these rules become the "rule of thumb" desk reference guide to all works related to the zombie genre for the rest of time. That's not asking for much is it?
Now, baring any questions from the audience, here's my 'Top 10 Must Follow Zombie Rules':
#10. THE CAUSE: The cause of the outbreak rule is one of the only ones that is subjective. Although, it is required that the cause of the outbreak be explained in each and every zombie piece that is created.
On the other side of the coin, there are a handful of zombies, like the fun loving flesh eating 20 somethings on 'Evil Dead' that are possessed by Satan or some type of evil entity. These are few and far between but they are a very valid route toward a good zombie outbreak.#9. THE ZOMBIFICATION PROCESS: This one is pretty straight up across the board. The way a person turns into the living dead shouldn't vary much from story to story.
This generally includes the person getting bitten or scratched by a zombie or being exposed to the zombie causing disease, agent or entity. The primary exposure is then followed by a period of sickness, fever or some other type of symptom that indicates that the person is not going to recover with a couple aspirin and a good night's sleep.
And, of course in the next phase the infected/exposed person is then rendered dead or at least VERY unconscious. Immediately proceeding this catatonic phase the reanimation process begins & the person "wakes up" as a zombie. Simple enough?
#8. THEY CRAVE ONLY HUMAN FLESH (mostly): Zombies only crave the flesh of living humans, PERIOD. Yeah, I know there's more than one scene in even 'The Walking Dead' where zombies are eating animals rather than humans. However, the caveat to this rule being broken is the animals cannot turn into zombies after being bitten or eaten by a zombie. I've seen this caveat broken a hand full of times. It never works out well for the audience who enjoy good cinema and it never works out well for the story.
If we start letting animals become the living dead, the story would be 15 minutes of people being mauled by dogs, cats and squirrels. While this scenario doesn't sound necessarily like a BAD thing, the outbreak would take over, kill all survivors and the credits would roll quicker than an episode of Seinfeld.
The moral of the story: NO ZOMBIFIED ANIMALS, NO MATTER HOW AWESOME!**
#7. ZOMBIES CANNOT RUN: I'll never understand why some filmmakers feel they've got to cross this line. Most get this right, but the ones that don't ruin it for everyone else.
A zombie's movement can best be described as a someone who has slept wrong on both legs after those legs have been transplanted while they were asleep. The virus/entity that's "driving" the zombified body essentially can only do the bare minimum to move around in it's new vessel.
The lumbering, staggering zombie that we all know and love is something that should never be tampered with. They simply don't run, they don't climb and they can't open doors. The exception to this would be if a group gathered on a door and over a period of time their pushing weakened it to a point of breaking open.
However, zombies can climb stairs, but that's about the extent of it.
#6. ZOMBIES CANNOT USE TOOLS: I won't rant very long on this subject. But, let me say that I've witnessed filmmakers putting weapons, sticks, IV towers, guns and rocks into the hands of the living dead. This is totally unacceptable.
Much in the same way that a Zombie can't run, it can't pick up and manipulate objects with enough control to use it as a tool or weapon.
The last thing I'll say on the subject is that if a zombie is to have anything in its hands it better be the flesh of the living.
#5. ZOMBIES CANNOT USE STRATEGY: I can only think of a handful of cases where this rule has been broken. 'Evil Dead' and 'Day of the Dead' come to mind first. In 'Evil Dead' the demonic possessed flesh eaters hid, jukes and played mind games to trap their victims. In 'Day of the Dead' the "zoms" faked out, baited and lured their would be victims into secluded areas away from the group.
Perhaps this concept sounds good to some. I think maybe it's just a way for some writers to keep the human aspect alive in the dead.
At best the only "groups" zombies can move in are loose hoards. These hoards are commonly formed by a group of zombies following a common object, sound or human. They are not organized in the slightest and members can randomly come and go without any rhyme or reason.
#4. ZOMBIES CAN ONLY DIE FROM HEAD TRAUMA: This one is 100% across the board with every zombie movie, book or nursery rhyme. Very rarely does a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the stomach deter the living dead.
An example occurred during 'The Walking Dead' Season Two mid season finale. Shane puts several bullets into the chest of a zombie to prove that they're not human because a human couldn't possibly keep moving with such an injury. He then proceeds to put slugs into the head of the same zombie, killing it instantly.
One variable that can be added is the method such head wounds are inflicted. Survivors have used anything from assault rifles, golf clubs, crossbows and grand pianos dropped from a roof to decapitate flesh eaters. And I'm fairly certain that it's this factor that makes zombie movies worth the time to watch.
It's the reason Hornaday makes Zombie rounds for a variety of calibers. It's also the reason Gerber makes an Apocalypse Kit that contains all kinds of goodies that'll just take a zombie's head clean off!
#3. ZOMBIES CANNOT DIE ON THEIR OWN: There have been many that question this rule. No one truly knows how long a zombie lives if it doesn't eat. This is partially because the movie usually ends with either everyone dying or holding up somewhere with hope to repopulate the earth.
From the many scenes in the many movies of zombies waking up whenever a human passes their location, one can only assume that they lie dormant until potential grindage is detected in their area. Since they're not having to support organs or stay hydrated like a regular human, there's no need for a steady source of energy day in and day out.
As a matter of fact, just about the only way a zombie could die without a little human "assistance" is if it walked off the edge of a cliff.
#2. ZOMBIES ARE NEVER NOT HUNGRY: This rule is the most fundamental so far. It just stands to reason that when a zombie is spotted, if it's not currently eating something, it will want to eat.
The living dead are created to eat. As stated in rule #6: a zombie can only use its hands effectively when it is eating, holding or ripping flesh.
On the same token, it's this constant drive to eat that makes a creature that only walks a couple of miles per hour such a persistent threat. A human can trot along probably twice as fast, but a hoard of hungry zombies will stop at absolutely noting to try and catch the living.
#1. ZOMBIES ARE NOT HUMANS: Yes, while they utilize human bodies that once belonged to once productive members of society, zombies are not humans.
Zombies possess none of the former personality, thoughts, mannerisms or memories of the human the body once belonged to.
There are no emotions, love or reason inside the infected brain of a good ol' fashion zombie.
Zombies cannot think or process problems, they know one thing: eat humans and snarl. Again, referencing rule #6: even if a zombie somehow got a tool or weapon in its hand it could not process what to do with it. The instrument would simply dangle there until it fell out.
It's this that causes some colorful conundrums in most zombie movies. The scene usually involves some one's mother, father or some type of family member/love interest that turns into a zombie. Inevitably that person is forced to blow the head off their loved one. There's usually a period of time where they refuse to go through with it. That is, until someone convinces them that the zombie is no longer their loved one. This is usually around the time that the trigger is finally pulled on grandma.
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This concludes my Zombie diatribe... Thanks for reading!
I hope you enjoyed reading this post as much as I did writing it. If you find something that I just completely missed or got totally wrong please feel free to tell me about it on twitter ( @TheSouthCath ).
Also tag #ZOMBIERULES if you'd like to add something to this post
@TheSouthCath
#ZOMBIERULES
Zombies are not gourmet chefs
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